In my practice, I don’t only see people whose partner has strayed from the relationship. I also see the person who has found a connection with someone who isn’t their primary partner.
The person who is on the receiving end of infidelity in a relationship can find himself or herself struggling. I also have compassion for the person who has betrayed their partner. It can be hard to be you, too. It is hard to be the person that society has dubbed “the cheater”. So many people even utter the word with disdain.
But “cheater” isn’t always someone skulking around in the dark of night, tiptoeing out of the house while everyone else is sleeping. Many people reflexively envisage this person to be male. That is not always the case. While percentages of women participating in infidelity has grown over the years, women often feel a double standard – that men are expected to stray but people assume that women who engage in the same behavior are considered “less than” or branded with ugly and derogatory names.
The one who has relationships or flings with someone other than their primary partner is indistinguishable from you or me. They are usually respectable, law-abiding citizens. The neighborhood gentleman who shovels the walkway of his elderly neighbor or the warm and caring woman who works in your child’s daycare center. It’s the guy who fixes your car, the mom who volunteers at a food bank. It could even be your best friend or sibling. Or your girlfriend. Or the husband with whom you celebrated your 25th wedding anniversary on a spectacular cruise in the Caribbean.
The life of someone who is seeing someone else is one of secrets, half-truths, omissions. Most of us have a differing comfort level with how we function in these various states.
You didn’t set out to let it get so far out of control, but you almost feel too far in to start cleaning up the damage. You might feel terrible about it. You might feel nothing about it. You might feel numb. If you were able to talk about it, you might discover your feelings. And that may scare you.
I recognize that you may not have told anyone. That not one soul knows about the person who replies to your texts after she puts her kids to bed. Or the guy you meet up with when your boyfriend thinks you are staying late at the office.
You are out there. And despite what society or your friends or your faith might think, you deserve as much compassion and humanity as anyone else. I also understand how alone and isolated you feel at times.
If you would like to explore the possibility of working with me, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org or 201-248-5552. My office is located in Livingston, NJ.