Many Men Are Curious About Therapy but Unsure What to Expect

It might have taken you awhile to get here.  I’ve heard from lots of people how long it’s taken them to get here.  Something might have happened years ago that’s caused you to wonder if you should go to therapy.  And it’s also possible that someone important to you has suggested it.  Maybe even strongly!

It makes sense to have reluctance about entering into a potentially uncomfortable situation.  Walking into an unfamiliar office and talking about the intimate details of your personal life sounds hard, right?  But you’re a sensible person and I’d bet that you know that stuff that’s uncomfortable at first can be worth it in the end.

Why Some Men Hesitate to Try Therapy

There are countless reasons why some men hesitate to begin therapy.  And your reasons are unique to you.  You might have gotten messaging that you should handle your problems alone.  That’s especially common for men who have been conditioned to keep things to themselves. 

You might be uncomfortable talking about your emotions or even struggle to find the words to describe your feelings.  Possibly, an important person in your life shamed you when you’ve revealing your emotions.  Your response is to keep them to yourself to be on the safe side.

You are not unemotional.  You just haven’t had the opportunity to explore your feelings without feeling judged.  You might also wonder whether therapy helps at all and struggle with whether you should invest your valuable time in something that might be pointless anyway.

What Actually Happens in a Therapy Session

One reason many men hesitate to begin therapy is that they’re not entirely sure what to expect. Perhaps your image of therapy comes from movies or television: lying on a couch while a silent therapist sits just out of sight, taking notes and offering little in return.

There is, in fact, a couch in my office, as well as a chair where I sit. Whether you choose to sit or lie on the couch is entirely up to you. Some people find that reclining helps them speak more freely and allows thoughts to emerge that might otherwise remain unnoticed. Others prefer to sit face-to-face. We can talk about what feels most comfortable for you.

At its heart, therapy is a conversation. But it is a different kind of conversation—one that makes room for curiosity rather than certainty. There is no need to prepare in advance or organize your thoughts before you arrive.

In psychoanalytic psychotherapy, we are interested in whatever comes to mind, even if it feels trivial, irrational, embarrassing, or unrelated. Often it is the thoughts we are most tempted to dismiss that reveal something important.

Everything you bring into the room has the potential to deepen our understanding of your inner life. That includes your memories, recurring thoughts, dreams, fantasies, frustrations, and even the moments when you find yourself saying, “I’m not sure why I thought of that.” Rather than judging or interpreting too quickly, we explore these experiences together, asking what they might reveal about patterns that have developed over time.

While I value silence when it allows space for reflection, therapy is not an exercise in speaking into a void. I will ask questions, share observations, and invite you to become more curious about your emotional experience and the ways you relate to yourself and others. Over time, what may initially seem confusing or disconnected often begins to form a meaningful picture.

There is no right or wrong thing to say in therapy. The process unfolds gradually, at its own pace. The goal is not to perform well or arrive with the “right” answers, but to create a space where thoughts and feelings that have remained outside of awareness can emerge, be understood, and ultimately become part of a richer understanding of yourself.

Therapy Isn’t About Forcing You to Talk About Feelings

You might have an idea that a therapist will force you to talk about your feelings.  But that is a misconception.  A therapist should not force you to do anything that you do not want to do. 

If you have apprehension about answering a question or your admit you feel weird about answering, it’s my job to help you wonder what’s contributing to these feelings.  It could open up your mind to memories of experiences you’ve had surrounding your reluctance about talking about your emotions.

Therapy is a gradual process.  Sometimes there’s a desire to come in and resolve things in a few sessions, but it could take some time to begin to get comfortable and then addressing issues that have been hanging around in your mind for your entire life.  You might also find that you start thinking about situations that you have not thought about for years that could be critical for your evolving understanding of yourself.

The Types of Issues Men Often Bring to Therapy

Many men seek therapy because they recognize that something isn’t working, even if they can’t exactly explain why. Some come because of relationship tension that seems to repeat despite their best efforts. Others notice they have begun to emotionally shut down, withdraw from conversations or avoid difficult feelings altogether. Partners sometimes describe them as distant, unavailable, or hard to reach.

For many successful men, the struggle shows up at work. Work stress, constant pressure to perform, or the feeling that they can never slow down gradually takes a toll. Others find themselves increasingly irritable or angry, reacting more intensely than they used to or feeling easily frustrated by situations that once seemed manageable.

Sometimes the problem is harder to define. You may feel empty or disconnected, as though you’ve lost touch with the person you used to be or no longer find satisfaction in the things that once mattered. You may also struggle with difficulty communicating with your partner, finding that conversations quickly turn into arguments, silence, or misunderstandings.

These experiences are more common than many men realize. Therapy offers a place to understand the patterns beneath these struggles, helping you develop greater self-awareness, stronger relationships, and a more meaningful connection to your work, your family, and yourself.

Working with men in midlife, I find that people come to therapy to consider what the next phase of their professional life looks like.  Sometimes men have a desire to retire or find new work and we explore what new pursuits could look like that align with their personal values.

Some people come to therapy to deal with feelings in the realm of infidelity.  This could mean that you’ve had difficulty remaining monogamous if that’s what you and your partner agreed upon.  Or that your partner has been unfaithful and you’re struggling to trust her again.  There is no judgment in wherever you might lie on this spectrum and exploring your feelings can help you show up more fully in your relationship.

What Many Men Discover Through Therapy

You might begin therapy hoping to solve a particular problem—a struggling relationship, persistent stress, growing irritability, or a feeling that life has somehow become smaller than it once was. While those concerns often improve, they frequently discover that the work reaches beyond symptom relief.

Over time, many men begin to understand the emotional reactions that once seemed automatic or inexplicable. They recognize recurring patterns in their relationships, noticing how familiar ways of protecting themselves or relating to others have quietly shaped their marriages, friendships, and professional lives. Conflicts that once felt overwhelming become opportunities for reflection rather than battles that must be won or avoided.

Perhaps most importantly, therapy creates space to ask questions that are easy to outrun in the demands of daily life: Why do I respond this way? What am I truly seeking? What kind of man do I want to become? As these questions are explored, many men find a greater sense of clarity about their values, a deeper capacity for emotional intimacy, and a life that feels less driven by unconscious patterns and more aligned with who they genuinely are.

For men in midlife, I often help them consider the evolution of their relationships with their spouses which sometimes span several decades as well as how their relationships with their children changed as they’ve grown up and moved into their own lives as adults.  You might also be wondering if it’s time to retire to pursue a new professional identity or engage with activities that were impossible while building a career.

How Therapy Can Change Your Relationships

The quality of our relationships is shaped not only by what we say, but also by the emotional patterns we bring into them—many of which were established long before we became aware of them. We all carry assumptions about closeness, conflict, dependence, and vulnerability, often without realizing how deeply they influence our interactions with the people we love.

As these patterns become more conscious, many men find themselves able to remain emotionally present during difficult conversations rather than withdrawing, becoming defensive, or reacting in anger. They often discover that communicating more clearly begins with understanding their own inner experience. Instead of repeating familiar cycles of misunderstanding, blame, or silence, they become increasingly able to listen, reflect, and respond with greater thoughtfulness.

This deeper self-understanding frequently changes the emotional atmosphere of a relationship. Partners often feel more understood, conflict becomes less overwhelming, and conversations that once seemed impossible become more manageable.

The goal is not to eliminate disagreement, but to develop a greater capacity to remain connected—even when facing disappointment, frustration, or difference. In this way, therapy can foster relationships that feel more authentic, resilient, and emotionally alive.

Therapy Is a Place Where You Don’t Have to Have It All Figured Out

Many men hesitate to begin therapy because they believe they should first understand what is wrong or know exactly what they want to change. In reality, the work begins with uncertainty.  Therapy is not a place where you are expected to arrive with answers, but a space in which questions can be explored with curiosity rather than judgment.

A psychoanalytic approach recognizes that much of our emotional life exists outside of conscious awareness. It takes time to discover the meanings behind familiar patterns, recurring conflicts, and persistent feelings that may have developed over many years. This kind of understanding cannot be rushed.

Change rarely occurs through a single insight. More often, it unfolds gradually as hidden aspects of yourself become more visible and new ways of thinking, feeling, and relating begin to emerge. The goal is not to become someone different, but to come to know yourself more fully.

When It Might Be Helpful to Talk to a Therapist

There are times in life when our familiar ways of coping no longer seem to work. You may notice yourself caught in recurring relationship conflicts that never quite resolve, emotionally withdrawing from the people who matter most, or living with a persistent sense of irritability that feels out of proportion to the situations around you.

Others find themselves feeling unexpectedly stuck, disconnected, or unable to understand why a life that appears successful no longer feels deeply satisfying.

These experiences are not necessarily signs that something is “wrong” with you. More often, they suggest that longstanding patterns of thinking, feeling, and relating are asking to be understood rather than simply managed. When the same struggles continue to reappear—in your relationships, your work, or your inner life—it may be an invitation to look beneath the surface.

Therapy offers the opportunity to explore these patterns with curiosity, developing a deeper understanding of yourself and greater freedom in how you live and relate to others.

Taking the First Step

If you are finding yourself caught in familiar patterns, struggling in your relationships, or simply sensing that something important in your life remains unexplored, therapy may offer an opportunity to understand yourself in a deeper and more meaningful way.

I work with adult men interested not only in relieving emotional distress, but also in gaining greater insight into the patterns that shape their relationships, work, and sense of self. My office is located at 150 River Road in Montville, New Jersey, and I also provide secure virtual therapy for clients throughout New Jersey.

If you would like to learn more or explore whether working together feels like the right fit, I invite you to contact me at cmgsnyder@gmail.com or 201-248-5552 to schedule a 15-minute confidential telephone consultation. Beginning therapy does not require certainty—only a willingness to begin the conversation.

 

 

How Emotional Shutdown Shows Up in Conversations

Chances are you’ve had the experience of shutting down during a conversation with your partner.

You’re in the middle of a discussion and she brings up something emotional. Suddenly you notice tension in your body—maybe in your stomach, your chest, or the back of your neck. Your wife or girlfriend wants to talk about her feelings, but you begin to feel trapped in the conversation.

You can’t explain it, but something inside you blocks the words from coming out.

You may go quiet, look down, walk away, or end the conversation abruptly.

Many men have this experience. To your partner, it might look like you don’t care. But that’s not what’s happening inside you.

Instead, you may feel overwhelmed and unable to communicate what’s going on in your mind.

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What Emotional Shutdown Feels Like

For many men, this reaction is so automatic that they barely notice it happening.

Your partner may recognize the pattern immediately. She’s seen it before and likely feels frustrated by her inability to reach you.

Some common signs of emotional shutdown include:

• going quiet during difficult conversations

• wanting to leave the room

• feeling overwhelmed or flooded

• becoming irritated and defensive

You might respond by saying something like:

“I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Or you might shift the conversation toward something that annoys you about your partner.

Afterward, there’s a good chance you don’t feel good about how the interaction went. The tension between you lingers, and the silence between you can feel uncomfortable.

You probably aren’t trying to hurt your partner.

More often, you’re trying to escape the uncomfortable feeling of being unable to express yourself.

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Why Problem-Solving Can Create Distance in Relationships

In many areas of life, you’re used to being a problem solver.

At work, someone asks you to handle a project and you get it done. At home, when something breaks, you fix it or find someone who can.

Taking action is natural for you.

But when problem-solving enters emotional conversations, it can create distance.

When your partner shares something personal or emotional, she may not be looking for a solution. She may simply want to feel understood.

If you immediately begin analyzing the situation and offering solutions, she may feel as if you aren’t really listening.

Sitting and listening without fixing anything can feel uncomfortable. It may even feel like doing nothing.

But emotional conversations often work differently than practical problems.

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Why Some Men Struggle to Express Feelings

For many men, difficulty expressing emotions has roots earlier in life.

Some men grew up in environments where emotional expression was discouraged. You may have been teased for crying, criticized for showing anger, or told to “toughen up.”

Over time, you may have learned that expressing feelings wasn’t safe or welcome.

As adults, this can leave many men with a limited emotional vocabulary. You may feel a wide range of emotions—hurt, shame, disappointment—but struggle to put them into words.

This creates tension in relationships.

Your partner may see withdrawal or irritation, while internally you may simply feel overwhelmed by emotions you don’t know how to express.

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Emotional Defenses and Why We Shut Down

All of us develop psychological defenses that help us cope with emotional stress.

These defenses often operate automatically.

Think about what happens when a doctor taps your knee with a reflex hammer. Your leg kicks out without you deciding to move it.

Emotional defenses can work in a similar way.

When something feels emotionally threatening, your mind may respond by:

• withdrawing

• becoming defensive

• going numb

• avoiding the situation

These responses may have developed years ago as ways to protect you from emotional pain.

The challenge is that the same defenses that once protected you can begin to create problems in close relationships.

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How Emotional Shutdown Creates Relationship Conflict

When emotional shutdown happens repeatedly, it can create a frustrating cycle in relationships.

Your partner reaches out for connection by sharing something important to her.

You begin to feel overwhelmed and withdraw.

She experiences your withdrawal as rejection and may respond with frustration or criticism.

You feel even more pressure and shut down further.

Both of you end up feeling misunderstood.

Over time, this pattern can create resentment and emotional distance.

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How Therapy Can Help

Understanding emotional shutdown often begins with curiosity rather than criticism.

Therapy provides space to slow down and look more closely at what happens internally when difficult emotions arise.

This might involve exploring:

• what triggers emotional shutdown

• how conflict was handled in your family growing up

• how you learned to cope with difficult emotions

As you begin to understand these patterns, new ways of communicating can gradually develop.

In some cases, couples therapy can also be helpful in improving communication between partners.

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When to Consider Talking With a Therapist

If emotional shutdown is affecting your relationships, talking with a therapist can help you better understand what’s happening and learn new ways of responding.

I specialize in working with men who feel emotionally stuck in their relationships and want to better understand themselves.

My office is located in Montville (Morris County), New Jersey, and I also offer virtual therapy throughout New Jersey.  My practice specializes in work with men and with individuals navigating infidelity, though I work with a range of people outside of these categories, too.

You can contact me at 201-248-5552 or cmgsnyder@gmail.com to schedule a 15-minute consultation.

 

Many men arrive in my office after years of carrying burdens on their own. They tell me, “I should have done this sooner,” or “I didn’t think talking would really help.” By the time they reach out, the pain has usually become overwhelming—whether in the form of stress, anger, loneliness, or the quiet heaviness of depression.

Why do so many men wait? The reasons are complex, but here are some of the most common ones I hear in my work.

1. The Pressure to “Handle It” Alone

From a young age, many boys are taught that strength means self-reliance. Asking for help can feel like weakness, even when life’s challenges become unmanageable. Men often shoulder stress silently, believing that if they just work harder or push through, things will get better. Therapy can feel like admitting defeat, when in reality, it’s an act of courage.

2. Symptoms Don’t Always Look Like “Depression”

Many men imagine depression as constant sadness or tears. But often it shows up differently: irritability, withdrawal, anger, or overworking. These signs can fly under the radar—both for the men experiencing them and the people around them—leading to years of unnecessary suffering before seeking help.

3. The Role of Relationships

It’s often a spouse, partner, or family member who first encourages a man to try therapy. This isn’t because men don’t feel their own pain, but because they’ve learned to minimize it. They’ll tolerate discomfort themselves, but when it begins to affect loved ones, they realize something needs to change.

4. Not Knowing What Therapy Really Is

I practice from a psychoanalytic lens, meaning that we talk extensively about the impact of your childhood as well as your fantasies and dreams.  Lying on the couch is not necessary, but if you are interested in doing so, it could allow you more freedom to say whatever comes to mind.  Therapy is a space to be understood, to explore patterns that keep repeating, and to develop new ways of being. Far from being passive, it asks for active courage—the courage to look inward.

 

5. The Turning Point

Most men who begin therapy eventually discover that it’s not a sign of weakness, but of strength. Taking the step to sit down with another person and open up is deeply human. It allows for growth, healing, and a sense of freedom that carrying everything alone never provides.

A Final Thought

If you’ve been thinking about therapy but putting it off, you’re not alone. Many men wait until things feel unbearable. But you don’t have to. Therapy can not only relieve suffering, but also to rediscover purpose, connection, and strength on your own terms.  If you’re ready to start therapy, I look forward to speaking with you.  You can call me at 201-248-5552 or email me at cmgsnyder@gmail.com.

 

Secrets are always interesting to me.  It’s curious and intriguing to consider what we keep to ourselves versus what is shared with others.  I was thrilled that a recent episode of one of my favorite podcasts featured a researcher who studies secrets extensively.

When new episodes of Dan Harris’ “Ten Percent Happier” podcast appear on my phone, I eagerly check to see what the topic is.  Because Dan wrote the book that helped lots of people start meditating about seven years or so ago, his podcast usually involves topics surrounding mindfulness, emotional balance, and Buddhism.  My cynical brain sometimes rolls its eyes at how uncomplicated the concepts seem to the guests (as if my brain had eyes or something).  But I gravitate toward his podcast because he’s far from crunchy.  As he’s evolved in his practice of meditation and Buddhism, some of his language has changed, but his presentation always has a little side-eye thrown into it.  

One of the more interesting interviews he did was with Michael Slepian, a professor at Columbia Business School, who conducts research on secrets.  The title of the episode is called “The Price of Secrecy” and it was right up my alley.  Just reading the title and summary threw me back into my undergraduate sociology program where I took a course on the sociology of lying.  It may have actually been called something really dramatic like “Deception and Betrayal”.

Sometimes, secrets get conflated with lying and as humans, we have a knee-jerk reaction to lying.  Bad, terrible, deplorable.  All the condemnation about lying.  In every circumstance.  We also have lots of feelings about secrets.  

But research presented Dr. Slepian reveals that there are 38 categories of secrets and that most of us are employing an average of 13 at any given point in our life.  97% of people have a secret in one category.  So that makes almost everyone.  

Issues that my clients come into the room with usually involve secrets.  And if you pull back the curtain, secrets are not necessarily always lies, even though sometimes we have that reflexive reaction to them.  Well, maybe more accurately, we have that reaction to other people’s secrets.

Naturally I was curious about what the 38 categories are so I did some googling.  I haven’t found the information I was truly seeking without reading the actual research report which I’m not really sure I’m THAT interested in doing.  Just the discussion of the fact that there are way more secrets we keep than we ever really considered before truly blew my mind.  In fact, I’ll share with you a little secret.  Hearing the researcher discuss some of the categories caused me to tally up how many secrets I may or may not be keeping.  And the actual number I’ve come up with is something I will keep secret from you.

Keeping certain secrets can truly take a toll on us, but they can also sully the water between ourselves and intimate others in our lives.  Listening to this episode also caused me to think about the meaning of secrets.  Whether it’s infidelity, imposter syndrome, sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political persuasions, the fact that we don’t care for Coldplay (sorry…maybe for people who know me, that’s not much of a secret), shame about being from a certain type of family or shame about our success, or lack thereof.  I can go on and on. 

Secrets aren’t always the “I did a terrible thing and I’m keeping it secret”.  They are sometimes the “I feel this way and I’m going to keep it to myself.”  Withholding from others overall has an effect on 1) the person keeping the secret and 2) the relationship between that person and the one you’re keeping the secret from.

I don’t necessarily have any earth-shattering revelations from this podcast to share with you other than a recommendation to go and listen to it!  It’s thought-provoking and you might find yourself discussing it with others in your life.  Click here to check it out.

In terms of speaking directly about the effect of keeping secrets, the person keeping the secret is carrying a burden.  Dr. Slepian discussed research that secret-keeping mimicked the feeling of literally carrying something heavy on our body. 

There is more and more research pointing to emotional things we deal with impacting our physical body.  These types of ailments can include things like heart disease, arthritis, and some auto-immune disorders.  To oversimplify a rather complicated issue, I’ll say that it does pay to keep our emotional house in order.  Tending to our emotional and psychological needs could help us preserve good health.

Another piece worth broadly mentioning is that it’s no secret that keeping a secret from an intimate other can negatively impact that relationship as well.  Sometimes, we think we are really good at not allowing whatever is on our mind to enter into our relationship with another person.  (This doesn’t only pertain to those we are in romantic relationships with.  Friendships and familial relationships also feel this impact.) 

In the way that you can tell when someone is holding back, even if they’re not holding in a huge secret, others can tell that you are not being forthcoming either.  It benefits relationships when we feel able to let down our guard, when it is safe to do so.  And it allows your relationship with the other person to make room for greater depth and intimacy.  

Enormous subjects like this require so much more attention and it was exciting to learn that Dr. Slepian is releasing a book about this topic in the next year.  You might find that you would like to discuss how you might be holding back in your life and relationships.  Therapy is a wonderful arena to examine not only the secrets we keep from others, but the secrets that we sometimes even keep from ourselves.  If you’d like to see if therapy is an option for you, I’d love to hear from you.  Feel free to call me at 201-248-5552 or email me at christine@snyderlcsw.com.  

You might be wondering why I don’t take insurance.  It’s a question I get a lot.  

Value of Therapy

Most of our financial situations aren’t a simple matter of money-in and money-out.  We all spend our money based on what we value.  And for things we value, we are willing to spend the money.  

My clients find value in the service I provide.  Many of them began working with me when I was in-network with insurance and they’ve opted to stay.  My clients find a connection with me and feel that they have made progress in their lives as a result.  

What are the things that you value enough to pay a little more for them?  Maybe you value a great cup of coffee.  It might be less expensive to hit the chain with the drive-thru.  But you get a smooth infusion of caffeine from the place down the street where the guy roasts his own beans.  This cup of joe might cost a couple bucks more, but you love the coffee and you like the guy that owns the place, too.  It’s hard to drink drive-thru coffee after that.  

Resolving your emotional life is not coffee, though.  The issues you bring into therapy are interfere in how you live your life.  They might be causing you constant conflict with your spouse or trouble meeting your goals at work.  You might be so paralyzed by anxiety and depression that getting out of bed or falling asleep is a problem for you every single day.  You can’t keep going like that.  Coming to sessions is not a casual encounter.  Everything we discuss has a purpose and can have a major impact on your life.  

I want you to know that I value this work, too.  I wouldn’t do it otherwise.  Personally, I have experienced the transformational nature in my own life.  And I value it enough that I invest time and money in post-graduate training and consultation with trusted colleagues about how best to serve my clients.

 

Insurance companies dictate what we do 

When we as therapists are on insurance panels, much of how we serve you is governed by them.  They frequently dictate the type of therapy we might do with you and it doesn’t matter to them whether it’s a good fit for you or not.  They tell us how long our sessions can be and to me, that’s baloney.  

Typically, we would meet for a 45 or 60-minute session and we might either make that decision together or I use my clinical judgment about what might work best.  One of the major health insurance companies refuses to pay for anything more than a 45-minute session.  This is something I have a real problem with.  Because they don’t know you.  

Insurance companies have rules about taking in-network clients with no consideration as to whether a therapist has any experience dealing with specific issues.  For example, you want the shoulder specialist to operate on your shoulder and not the ankle specialist.  In the same way, you wouldn’t want a therapist with zero experience with infidelity, for example, taking care of you, if that’s what you need help with.  There are some issues that I don’t feel skilled enough to work with.  My practice is focused on specific concerns because I have experience helping people with those issues.  

You’ve also likely heard from other providers – like your chiropractor or other healthcare specialist – that what insurance pays does not adequately compensate providers for the level of education and experience required to execute the work with excellence.  For some providers, their schedules are so packed that even finding time to write their notes, go to the bathroom, or seek consultation from other professionals is impossible.  The reason they are so booked is because they need to see twice as many clients as they should to make ends meet.

Seeing a comfortable and realistic amount of clients per week allows me to focus only on you.  The time you and I spend together in session, your concerns are the only thing on my mind.  I work to provide the best service for you because you aren’t just a random alpha-numeric code on an insurance card.  

Privacy

Bypassing health insurance for therapy also minimizes the access a company has to your private information.  Occasionally, an insurance company might choose you at random and call me requesting notes on you.  The terms of your policy allow them to have access to this information in order to continue paying for it.  Sometimes, these are a matter of auditing whether the therapist is continuing to play by the insurance’s rules, but they also have the authority to pull the plug on your treatment.  This is another thing I have a real problem with.  I understand that they are also a business and invested in their bottom line.  But it minimizes the complicated layers of your emotional life.  

Out-of-Network Benefits

This little tidbit doesn’t have to do with my beef (or whatever the plural of “beef” is) with insurance companies.  But in some cases, clients find that their out-of-network benefits help defray the cost of therapy.  What this means is, if you have these benefits, you would pay for our sessions, and I would provide you with a bill.  

I hope that I’ve answered some of your questions about why I’ve decided to leave insurance panels.  It’s a rough decision for a provider to make and it’s also a challenging one for clients, too.  

If you are interested in working with me, you can reach me by email at christine@snyderlcsw.com or at 201-248-5552.  

Texting has been a thing for maybe fifteen or so years. If you’re 30, you’ve been texting since you were in high school. You might not remember what life was like before. When you could ask someone a question and get an answer without waiting for those little moving dots to resolve. Or when you could see the face of the person when you cracked a joke or expressed your anger. Or when you had to coerce your mom into calling for a pizza.

Because I’m considerably over 30, my experience with texting is a little different from that of a younger person. In high school when social lives begin to evolve, we had to call someone on the phone, now known as a landline, and leave a message on an answering machine. If we were expecting someone to pick us up, we might actually stand out on the porch waiting for them until they showed up. My first experience with texting was as a late 30-something, communicating with a friend who happens to love new technology. I soon graduated to a Blackberry and since then, I’ve been a a somewhat heavy phone user. I love being sociable and chatting with people all over the place or just randomly texting to tell someone they’re on my mind.

We’ve all morphed with the technology as time has gone by. We write almost no letters, send almost no cards. Nor do we even send those e-birthday cards anymore with the low-tech graphics. We all didn’t realize in the moment how our communication with other humans was evolving. But if we make the leap to what we were doing, say, fifteen years ago, we’d notice a major shift.

I remember around 2006 or so, entertainment shows were losing their minds that Britney Spears broke up with K-Fed via text message. Because the details were foggy of even which celebrity it was who did this, I googled it. An ABC News story refers to it as “the text message heard round the world”. Britney Spears was being treated as if she had pressed a button somewhere and unleashed a massive bomb that blew away a planet. (For what it’s worth, I still haven’t seen the Britney documentary so if this story is mentioned in there and I’ve mischaracterized it, it’s due to my own ignorance.)

The outrage! The horrors!!! And then the sanctimonious “I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!”

To which I sort of cock my head. Really?

You may not have broken up a relationship via text message. But – and maybe not you specifically – a lot of things are happening via text message (oh, and social media, too! But let’s just stay with the phone.) that used to happen in person. Or on a telephone call.

Here we are in 2021. My first text message might have been sent around 2006 or 2007. At that point, there were likely people using text messages for years before I did. Have you ever considered how your texting has changed?

Most people early on were still click-click-clicking on each number to select each individual letter of each word. I bet our early texts were less verbose than they are now. Maybe they were mostly about logistical sorts of things. “Can you pick up milk?” “Be home in 5.” “Can’t wait to see you!”

Smartphones and the way we connect with others has changed significantly. We used to send brief messages, but now we can send paragraphs of text.

While I’m not the most tech-savvy person, I like technology. Using phones and social media has both made our lives easier and helped us connect with people all over the world. All your long-lost relatives can see your pictures now and you can find old high school friends or friends from old jobs if you want. It’s up to you how much or how little you want to connect or reveal.

But just going back to the texting aspect of phones. Where the slippery slope is in our “always on” usage is that the intimacy level of our contact with others can take a hit.

So, on that note, again…ask yourself that same question I asked above: Have you ever considered how your texting has changed? What sorts of things are you texting about in 2021 that you weren’t in 2011 or 2006?

The fact that we now have an “out” if we need to say something important might cause us to avoid the hard conversations. People aren’t only having the “can you pick up the girls from soccer practice” conversations. They’re texting siblings about their aging parents, or having arguments with partners, or having previously innocuous chats with one of the dads or moms at the school.

When a client said they talked with so-and-so in their life, sometimes I ask what they mean by “talked with”. Talking used to allow us to be seated at a table across from each other, or beside each other in the car or on the couch. But now it means our fingers are typing to another person. One who cannot hear our voice, see us rolling our eyes, or hear us breathing.

Perhaps the eye contact and the sound of someone’s voice or hearing someone take a long, deep breath as they converse with you are exactly what we are trying to avoid by using texting as a way to communicate. Somehow we think it’s easier. Yes, it might be. But what are we missing out on? What are we depriving the person on the other end of?

If you’re someone who has discomfort engaging in difficult conversations, like breaking up with someone, texting is a best case scenario. It’s sterile and you can stop responding at any time. You can even shut your phone off altogether. A cell phone is your dream come true because you don’t have to look into the eyes of someone who is breaking your heart right now. Or having their heart broken by you.

What exactly is your fear?

Has our dependence on texting caused us to more fully separate the emotion from the conversation? Our progression of using devices causes me to think about how something gets pulled into the current at the shore. The pull going out is stronger than the one going in. So over the course of five or fifteen years, we are more deeply pulled away from experiencing our own emotions in relationship with another person.

So what do we do?

Well, because of the way I practice as a clinician, what helps one person isn’t going to help another. Your life is unique and you’ve arrived at this point governed by many influences and forces. But perhaps I’d consider asking you – do you want to work on improving your emotional experience? Some people say a resounding YES, while others say, meh, I’m just fine the way I am (and then continue to break people’s hearts via text message…).

Making improvements involves getting curious about how we got here. I do see that collectively, most of us have likely grown more reliant on our phones to carry out all sorts of business – emotional and otherwise. So in that respect, we have all felt the pull of the current. But how comfortable are you with your own self and with your own emotions? If you wanted to be the kind of person who stopped breaking people’s hearts via text message, I might ask you how you got here. It might then evolve into discussions about how your emotions were handled by the early caregivers in your life. How difficult has it been for you to encounter another person in an emotional conversation? Did you feel supported? Anxious? Humiliated? Answers to some of these questions might help someone better understand their behavior.

A simple blog post might not turn your whole life around, but if it helps you gain an awareness of how much – or how little – you conduct your emotional business with a phone as your buffer, maybe my work here is done.

If you’re interested in seeing if therapy could help you open up your emotional experience, please reach out. I continue to provide virtual therapy to residents of New Jersey and have some limited openings in-person in my Livingston office. You can reach my at cmgsnyder@gmail.com.

Fantasy is a normal function of our mind.

Do you feel better now?

It’s no secret that everyone’s brain is working overtime these days.  Even before covid hit last year, we were all exhausted.   And now, we have taken exhaustion to a whole new level.

The stuff you are responsible for now include some of the following:

• Helping your school-age children navigate school online
• Adapting to living with college-age children again after they were away at school
• Performing your own work remotely
• Caring for aging relatives either in your home or elsewhere
• Managing life apart from friends and loved ones

Humans are pretty good at adapting to all sorts of things.  Notice I didn’t say that we like adapting to them though.  Especially in the beginning of all this, many people reported that they were experiencing more vivid dreams.  Some of the dreams made even less sense than usual.

It is another piece of the mysterious human brain that’s fascinating.  That this weird looking organ inside our skull can affect us so much is mind-blowing.

Dreams typically happen while we are sleeping and we have little control over them.  There’s a whole complicated world of how dreams operate in the unconscious mind.  And they can be rich to discuss because our unconscious works out stuff while we are in a sleep state.

Fantasies are somewhat related, but they happen while we are awake.  And depending on how we respond, we have some control over how a fantasy plays out.

The idea of “fantasy” also has a sexual connotation, but all fantasies are not sexual.  The types of theories a therapist subscribes to (also known as our theoretical orientation) influence the nuances of our definition of fantasy.  For our purposes, I’m going to be loose with how I discuss it here.  Basically, I’m saying that anything in our imagination can be considered fantasy.

I think there could be a distinction between one’s thoughts simply wandering aimlessly – remembering an event, like a vacation or time spent with a friend – and a fantasy that plays out like a story that you are building on as you go.

Both of these types of fantasy can feel uncomfortable or maybe unpleasant.  But they can also feel satisfying and fun.

Like the sort of fantasy you have about ditching work, hopping in the car, and taking a day trip somewhere.  That seems pretty pleasant.  I’m going to also acknowledge that some of the frightening thoughts we have can also fall into the fantasy department.  I’m equating any imaginary thoughts as fantasy.

It is my experience that many people are uncomfortable about both types of fantasy – the scary ones and the joyful ones.  Sometimes we put so much emphasis on what’s happening in our mind, even if some of the thoughts are outside of our control.  Clients often report that they desperately want these things to stop.  We often fear that we are going to cause these things to come true.

I can completely understand these fears.  I have a fantasy life just like you do.  And yes, some of the things that happen upstairs in my brain can be terrifying.  Whether it’s imagining a horrific accident or a natural disaster.  Where it gets concerning and serious is the point when these intrusions prevent you from being present and productive in your life.  The fantasies discussed here are more innocuous.

Both the unpleasant and the satisfying fantasies are full of amazing content for analysis.

Because an area of interest for me is the subject of infidelity, let’s consider a fantasy you might have of being with someone other than your spouse or partner.  Even the mere thought of thinking about being with someone else might cause you some distress.  But think about what might play out if you did engage in this type of relationship.  Who is the other person?  Where did you go and what did you do?

Please don’t misunderstand where I’m going here.  I’m not condoning stepping out of your relationship or minimizing situations where people do.  The reason I had to qualify my motives here is that I know it makes people uncomfortable to let one’s mind wander in this way.  If this came up in the course of conversation in a session, I might acknowledge that you seem upset by the fantasies and help you to explore why that might be.  Our conversation might lead to discussing the state of your current relationship and how this fantasy parallels or differs from your relationship. 

Perhaps you’re feeling that your relationship has grown stale and fantasizing helps you explore the possibility of expanding your horizons within the context of your relationship.  Could it be possible that you’re frustrated that you have had trouble finding alone time due to that pandemic?  Or are there conflicts you’re experiencing that cause you to wonder if your relationship will last?

In my work with clients, we almost always explore the fantasies of where your mind wanders.  It can feel frightening at times.  But just because you think something does not necessarily make it real.  Chances are, you’ve probably thought about leaving a relationship long before you verbalized it.  Exploring your inner fantasy life can acquaint you more deeply with your true sense of intuition and help you align more closely with what you value in life.

Fantasies can help us think more deeply about our relationships with our partners, children, and friends and family.  Tuning in to why you might be having fantasies about ditching your job, for example, could help you explore where your career might not be meeting your needs.  Our inner life has so much to do with how we live our lives and how we can find more depth and connection.

Therapy can help us explore the inner parts of our mind and determine whether we are living life in the way we want to be.  By approaching our fantasies with curiosity instead of judgment, we might consider new possibilities for our life.  If you have questions about how therapy can help you, I can be reached at cmgsnyder@gmail.com.

Self-talk follows us wherever we go.

What do you think when you read the message on this shirt?

One of the first take-aways might be: “what a positive message!”

And yeah, it is a great message to send to kids. Having dreams and aspirations is an important thing.

But if you’re reading this, you’re probably not a child. You’re a full-grown adult that’s been through some stuff. And seeing something like this on a shirt might cause you to have different reactions.

Depending on where you’re at, it might cause you to say, “yeah right”. Or “that’s not true”. You could feel jaded by life and not about positivity right now.

I get it.

When your relationships aren’t going well or you’re not feeling jazzed about your job, you don’t exactly feel like doing a back flip. And who could blame you?

Sometimes when we mess up in a relationship or make a bad decision, we hear an inner voice scold us.  This inner voice can also be referred to as self-talk.

I know you’re nodding along with me. Even if you look like you’ve got it all together, you have an inner voice, too. It’s usually the voice of someone who influenced us as a child. I almost said, “it’s someone who cared for us”, but if you hear this voice call you a “loser”, that’s not exactly “care”, is it?

Let’s face it…if you grew up in a certain era where positive messages weren’t emblazoned on children’s clothing (if you were born before the 70s or 80s, you definitely get where I’m coming from), you might have heard stuff about “tough love” or being told “you should be seen and not heard”.

Most people today approach parenting differently. Not everywhere or every family, but there’s more of an acknowledgement that harsh words from a parent can wreak havoc on us well into our adulthood.

This so-called internalized voice might have once been a critical parent or a mean teacher who put you down. And as you grew up, you picked up the ball and ran with it.

You’re so eager to please that you absorbed those mean words and save them the effort of saying those things. You just say them to yourself now.

You mess up at work and you criticize your inattention to detail or failure to focus. An argument with your wife can cause you to say you can’t do anything right. You mess everything up.

Sometimes you don’t even realize you do this. That’s how insidious the self-talk is. It’s like bamboo. It seems innocuous and then when you don’t notice, it’s choked your entire yard.

This self-talk or inner voice can be tamed and you don’t have to be victimized by it forever. Once you start to acknowledge its existence, it might be so tempting to dismiss it. But truly listening in and hearing what it tells you and when it starts yapping provides you valuable information.

You might ask yourself whose voice is it? Who spoke that way to you? What was your relationship like with them? Listening to your self-talk might help you work toward developing a different relationship with your inner life. Getting acquainted with what is within yourself also moves you in the direction of better emotional regulation and could also enhance the relationships you have with others.

If now feels like a good time to get the ball rolling, feel free to reach out to me at cmgsnyder@gmail.com. You might be ready to make some changes in your life. Virtual therapy is available and I am licensed to provide this service to anyone living in New Jersey. While it might not feel like you can do anything, like the shirt says, taking the initiative to make some changes means that you are doing something right.

Online therapy can really help you right now, especially due to the isolation you are feeling. The stress of the months-long quarantine has taken a toll on your life in so many ways. Juggling your job, the strain of virtual school for your children, and the tension in your relationship…those are just a few things causing clients to reach out and call for help.

When this initially began back in March, I anticipated staying home and doing online therapy through the summer and then return to my physical office in September. But as time has gone on, that timeline has been revised.

Perhaps you have been waiting until therapists are fully back in their offices before you made an appointment. Doing therapy on a computer is not the same, you’ve noted. I like to be in the room with someone, is something else you’ve probably said. If it makes you feel any better, most of my colleagues and I feel the same way. We miss the energy in the room and being able to pick up on subtle body language cues.

And you’re right. It’s not the same. But not the same doesn’t necessarily mean it’s all bad.

One of the advantages of online therapy is that you don’t need to leave your house. No need to plan out how you’re going to go to and from an office. I don’t even care if you shower or if you’re wearing grubby old sweats.  It really does not matter at all.  All you need is an internet connection for an online appointment so we can even have a session if you’re in your parked car or outside in a private space.

Another positive thing about online appointments is that you might even feel more open because you are more comfortable being in your own place.

So…how does it work?

If you are interested in meeting with me, we’ll have a brief phone or video consultation to ensure that I’m a good fit. If the issues you are struggling with are not within my area of expertise, I will provide you with referrals to trusted colleagues. In our consultation, you might tell me a little about what is happening in your life.  I will give you information about what to expect. You will receive an email containing a link to my online patient portal.  And finally, I will also provide you a link to my virtual office when we make an appointment time.

When we do meet, you and I will talk as if we were together in the office. Sometimes it requires a little bit of patience because the technology isn’t always on our side. I try to be as flexible as I can in that moment and I hope you do the same.

It is my hope that clients I see virtually can return to my physical office in Livingston. However, my clinical license allows me to work with clients anywhere in New Jersey.

If you have any questions about the process or how we can work together, feel free to reach out. You can reach me at 201-248-5552 or at cmgsnyder@gmail.com.