The affair of a couple that none of us know has taken the internet by storm.
By now, you’ve likely seen the video of the couple enjoying each other’s company on the Kiss Cam at a Coldplay concert. The 10-second video made the rounds because of the couple’s reaction, causing social and mainstream media to go wild. In the speed-of-internet, we learned that the people in the video are not only married to other people, but are boss and subordinate to each other.
This video is click-and-share-worthy for social media users because affairs are a hot topic. Everyone you know has a strong opinion about them. With this current story, we know where our friends and family stand on this issue, based on what they said or shared on their timelines.
I get it. These folks are married to other people. An affair can seriously impact a long-term relationship.
Encountering individuals and couples navigating affairs was new to me when I began working in private practice over ten years ago. How widespread these relationships are surprised me. Like everyone, I had my biases and it’s important for therapists to recognize them and work to minimize the impact they have on the work we do with clients.
Some of my work focuses on helping individuals who have experienced infidelity, either as the initiator or the person who has been hurt by their partner’s infidelity. People I see are not only working through current situations, but also past experiences. Even the infidelity of one’s parents can affect someone later in life.
Whenever an infidelity situation comes out into the open, whether in our social circle or in the world at large, it generates commentary about the couple and their relationship. We also might say we would never do such a thing. Sadly, these stories often devolve into judgments about others that cause us to feel better about ourselves at the expense of decisions another couple has made.
Having sat with many people affected by infidelity, one glaring element has been lost in the current frenzy: pain. For those who feel strongly witnessing this video, they might have been hurt by someone in their past. Seeing this now ubiquitous video, they are reminded of their own pain.
Pain in people’s existing relationships sometimes is a motivating factor to seek someone else. And the affair might cause pain, such as guilt or sadness knowing their actions may be hurting others. For those who have not experienced infidelity, it’s hard to understand that most individuals have deep confusion, fear, and anxiety about the consequences to their relationships with their families. Partners who were unaware of the relationship also experience deep pain and feelings of betrayal.
Humans act in ways, both conscious and unconscious – not only regarding infidelity – we sometimes don’t understand. All of us engage in behaviors we know are bad for us or bad for those around us and we do them anyway. Therapy serves as a safe place for people to work through emotions. It is also a place to more fully understand the “why” of our behavior and feelings.
For most people, these situations are very painful. This one is complex given the public nature of it and we all have strong feelings about it, informed by our own personal experiences with or around infidelity.
If you are considering working through a situation like this, feel free to contact me at cmgsnyder@gmail.com to explore whether therapy would be helpful for you. My office is located in Montville, New Jersey, in Morris County. I’m also open to virtual sessions with clients located in New Jersey. If you and your partner are navigating an affair and are seeking couples counseling, I currently only work with individuals. I can help you locate someone who can help you.