Category: Self-talk

Can “The Bachelor” Help Us Keep Relationships in Perspective?

I get a lot of grief for watching The Bachelor.  In fairness, this year is the first time I’ve watched it for maybe fifteen years.  It’s crazy to think it’s been on that long.  I’ve always thought it’s sort of ridiculous and I find myself apologizing for watching it.  Or trying to offset my viewing of it by reading some super-literary tome.  I spend so much time apologizing for watching this show, but I also realize that no one ever apologizes for watching things like, I don’t know…sports.  My apologies to you sports fans.  It’s not something I have ever gotten into.

I find that keeping in touch with pop culture helps me as a therapist.  Not because these things are real life, but because million of people watch shows, read books, or listen to podcasts.  And chances are, sometimes the content of them strikes a chord with people and it might come up in session.

While The Bachelor is completely manufactured, it conjures up fantasies we often have about falling in love or finding “The One” or meeting our “Soul Mate”.  Inevitably, when I talk to my friends or colleagues about the show, little things might pop up about our own relationships, past or present.  How we found our partner, what we first fought about, or how we left someone who wasn’t right for us.

Last night, during “The Most Dramatic Bachelor Finale Ever!”, The Bachelor gave out his final rose.  Groan…I cannot believe I am even typing this cheese-ball stuff on my professional website!  Apparently, whatever happened has never happened before and there are one or more episodes now tacked on to the end of the season.  But alas, the show is coming to an end and I’ve suffered through (well, secretly, don’t we all sort of love it?) the confessional commentary of all the girls in the house tittering about each other and about how perfect they are for The Bachelor.  I realized last week that even though we all know it’s just a show, it can distort what we think or expect from relationships.  So here are a few thoughts I’ve had based on what I’ve seen:

  • You are enough.  It’s sometimes heartbreaking to watch the girl who is rejected by The Bachelor as she’s weeping in the back seat of a limousine, being chauffeured back to her regular life.  There are almost always tears, but quite frequently, a girl may sob and exclaim, “I wasn’t enough for him!” or “What’s wrong with me?”  I realize that these comments are made during a particularly sensitive moment, but a lot of people express that when a relationships ends.  No matter whether it’s a TV one or a real life one.  On some level, many people invest so much into falling in love or being swept away that they lose a sense of themselves.  For some, the end of a relationship is an attack on who they are and what they stand for.  Many people think that it’s impossible to love another without loving yourself first.  If you think that you as a human being are not enough, maybe that requires some investigation on your part.  Getting more in touch with who you are and what you truly need and desire may prevent you from repeating patterns in relationships.  And if you find that you’re happy being you and you thrive in many areas of your life and relationships, then perhaps this relationship was not the right one for you.
  • It’s just a TV show, not real life.  Some viewers mistakenly believe that the people on the show have a whirlwind romance, get a marriage proposal, and live happily ever after.  I can’t definitively say how these relationships work out because I don’t really watch this show with any regularity.  There are a handful of people who got married and stayed together, but most of these relationships fail to continue.  Recently I heard a contestant on an interview and she said that over the course of several weeks, even if you had been on several dates with the bachelor, you don’t spend more than a total of four hours with The Bachelor.  So that’s what I mean about this being not real life.  Making a decision about proposing or accepting a marriage proposal – or even saying “I love you” – based on spending a few hours with someone and sharing your most beautiful moments with millions of television views is not real.  A healthy relationship is about connecting in many ways, not only when you’re traveling to Paris or Lake Tahoe or Tuscany.
  • Even beautiful people get rejected.  Many people say, “If only I were more attractive/in better shape/thinner/had longer hair/had nicer clothes, I would find someone.”  Appearance is only part of the puzzle and no matter how attractive you are, you will likely experience rejection.  Attractiveness is not an armor that shields people from pain.  No matter what people look like, most everyone will suffer some form of adversity in their lives.  What can be attractive is not necessarily your appearance, but how you’ve managed to weather various storms in your life.

So now that the final rose has been given, it’s off to find the next little escape from reality.  Something tells me the next season of The Bachelor will be more of the same:  thirty attractive women looking for a marriage proposal after about four hours of dates!

If you are dealing with an infidelity issue and would like to explore the possibility of us working together, please email me at christine@snyderlcsw.com.  My practice is located in Livingston, New Jersey.

Imposter Syndrome: Who Do I Think I Am?

Masks

Did you ever have the feeling that the lights will come up, the curtain will rise, and the whole world will see you for the fraud you really are? I don’t know you, but chances are, if you’ve clicked on an article about imposter syndrome, you probably aren’t really a fraud. You’re likely someone who takes seriously your work, achievements, and your position in the world. You will do anything to avoid the sting of not being taken seriously…including convincing yourself that you’re a fraud.

Sociologist Erving Goffman wrote in The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life that we live as if we are on stage. Every aspect of our lives involves playing a role. At home, we can be more casual with some of these roles, but once we enter the public – such as our workplace – we are often required to put on a costume and act out specific roles in order to earn a paycheck. Through the lens of the person-as-actor, those of us who struggle with imposter syndrome fear our disguise – that of Super Parent, All-Put-Together Bank Executive, Well-Rehearsed Musician – will be torn off.

So…what do we do? Battling imposter syndrome takes practice and, furthermore, usually involves adjusting your thinking.

• Celebrate your successes. Take an objective look at how you got where you are and discard the temptation to slather on the judgment. Why did your boss ask you to take on these added responsibilities? What made the executives upstairs select you to make that presentation? What reason did your agent send you to that audition? Only look at the good stuff and go no further. Is it possible that someone selected you because you are reliable?  And that you’re super easy to work with?

• Avoid the temptation to go full-on imposter syndrome. When was the last time that fear of exposure overwhelmed you?  We often believe that imposter syndrome comes on without a warning, but if you slowed down the tape, you’d see where you started going down the rabbit hole. Did you find yourself lose sleep because you panicked about what the next day would bring you? Could preparation for a presentation or audition help you sleep a little easier?  Sometimes it’s tempting to just go along with it and say, “See, I knew I wasn’t worthy of anything good in my life.” Find ways to make things easier for yourself instead of putting yourself through the discomfort of worrying about being a fraud.

• You are not alone. Admitting to a trusted colleague that you battle imposter syndrome might be helpful. You might find that they also struggle and could help you to see that you’re not the only one who fears the mask will be torn off. There’s also power in being vulnerable with another person. Vulnerability does not equal weakness.

Sometimes considering how we received credit in our family-of-origin pinpoints where imposter syndrome resides in you. We learned that to celebrate our successes was the same as being pompous. This can lead to discomfort in taking pride in our accomplishments. Did you find that you only got attention when you scored goals or achieved scholarships? In some families, love feels contingent upon achieving something.  That could get pretty confusing, too. A skilled therapist could help you untie some of these knots.  You may become more comfortable in your roles and you may tear away some of the barriers to your success.

If you would like to explore the possibility of working with me, you can reach me at christine@snyderlcsw.com.  My practice is located in Livingston, New Jersey.

Creativity Can Save Your Life

A common complaint that clients bring into therapy is that their work lacks creativity. Some people feel trapped in their jobs due to the need to provide for their families.   It may also be to determine how to feel better about going to the same job day after day.  The ongoing emptiness of a miserable job can lead to anxiety and depression.  Unfulfilling work can cause looming dread on Sundays, difficulty sleeping, and irritability.  In extreme cases, some people have expressed that ending their lives would be a better alternative than their current position.

When clients present their work complaints to me, we often explore how they found their way into their current career. I may ask them to consider some of these possible scenarios:

  • Does this career field now feel stale?
  • Did this work opportunity feel like an obligation?
  • Did a loved one deter you from pursuing an artistic endeavor?

A book that I often recommend to clients is The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. It’s a fantastic read, especially for those who feel drawn to artistic pursuits. This is not a how-to manual about leaving your job and suddenly becoming an artist, composer, cupcake creator, or master basket weaver. Cameron believes that each one of us is a creative being, no matter what we do for a living. Even if you consider your job routine or mundane, following the steps in the book may help you approach certain tasks in new and innovative ways.

The book consists of twelve chapters, inspired by Ms. Cameron’s success using a 12-step program to conquer her alcohol addiction. Each chapter involves a topic designed to help restore one’s inherent creativity. There is a weekly reading on a specific topic, such as recovering a sense of connection, abundance, and strength. There are exercises at the end of each chapter that ask you to recall things like what you did for fun as a child or how creativity was viewed in your home.

The author believes that, due to various factors, people’s creativity becomes “blocked” and they may be unable to express themselves freely. We may have grown up with a tyrannical parent who discounted our artistic abilities or had a teacher who made some unfortunate comments about a project we labored over. We may feel paralyzed by these attitudes and by investing the energy in the program, we might find the power to crush the voice of our inner critic.

This is not your run-of-the-mill self-help book because of the process.  The magic happens for readers of The Artist’s Way when they regularly engage in the two main requirements of the book: 1) Morning Pages and 2) Artist Dates.

Morning Pages consist of three pages of long-hand writing every morning. The idea is to write whatever comes to mind, without the structure of proper grammar or punctuation. There is even value if you only write “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be writing” over and over again.  It is basically draining your brain out every morning and leaving it on the paper. The book recommends that readers keep these pages to themselves, for now.  Writing like this can help you connect with the thoughts that reside under the surface of your psyche.

The book also recommends making quality time for yourself to engage in some creative activity such as visiting a museum or taking in a concert. The Artist Date inspires creativity. The author writes that people find the desire to discover new creative or artistic activities.  Or they felt motivated to pick up an instrument they had set aside years ago, for example.

There is great value in reading this book on your own, but it can also be useful in a group setting with others experiencing similar challenges. Some of the exercises require digging into your past to explore the roots of the obstacles to self-expression. Encountering some of these memories might be upsetting.  Working through them with a trained professional may result in a renewed sense of satisfaction with your work.

If you would like to explore the possibility of working with me, you can reach me at christine@snyderlcsw.com.  My practice is located in Livingston, New Jersey.

Monday Morning Negative Self-Talk

negative self-talk

Negative Self-Talk that happens on a Monday is harder to swallow than self-talk that happens on other days of the week.  Or maybe that’s just me.  I had the kind of morning that caused me to reflect on the Negative Self-Talk that chimed into my brain first thing in the morning.  One where I wished I could call it a day by the time 10AM rolled around.

Tidying up the house, I picked up a bunch of things that needed to be taken to other rooms. The bottle of water cradled in my right arm was cap-less because I was swigging it while cleaning up. When I dropped something on the floor, I bent over, not realizing that the water cascaded out of the bottle until there was a puddle at my feet.

I exclaimed a few choice words. Typical names or traits I call myself rambled out of my mouth as reflexively as any sort of curse word. (There might have been one or two of those, too.)  The sorts of words I exclaimed definitely fell into the category of “negative self-talk”.

After sopping up the water with a wad of Bounty, I headed downstairs to do some mundane tasks on my laptop. I set up shop at the kitchen table with the newly refilled bottle of water (with the cap securely tightened). Now is a good time for a snack, I thought.  And I pulled the box of Cheez-Its from the cabinet. I got down to business, typing away, doing my thing. Man, those crackers were tasty. Sip, sip. Crunch, crunch.

Engrossed in my laptop screen, I failed to realize the box of crackers that teetered close to the edge of the table.  I managed to knock the open box over.  Cheez-Its subsequently decorated the kitchen floor.

And then another string of the “typical names or traits I call myself” escaped my lips.

Even therapists aren’t immune from negative self-talk.  Furthermore, therapists aren’t immune from a lot of things, but that’s a whole other blog post for another day.

Through the course of the day, I reflected on how that nagging little voice and the unpleasant repercussions it can cause, including low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. The running commentary doesn’t have to control us. Working with a therapist can help govern how much it affects our feelings.

The way many therapists operate, including myself, is getting to know you, based on your own history, strengths, and preferences.  Together, we develop a plan of what might work best. Feeling better in your own skin can involve some detective work such as establishing connections between the patterns of our families and how we react to adversity as adults.

It can also be helpful to take a look at situations similar to the one I had this morning. How do you respond when you mess up? Like the time you accidentally left the lights on and your car battery went dead. Or last week when you said you’d pick up dinner for your family and then you accidentally went home from work without it. What sorts of things do you say to yourself?

Finally, you might have never given a thought to that internal tape that comments on your movements throughout the day. I will often encourage my clients to spend the week really paying attention to what it says. When we see each other again, we first categorize what we’ve heard.  Then we develop ways of responding to that voice with something more constructive than the usual litany of “typical traits and names”.

If you would like to explore the possibility of working with me, you can reach me at christine@snyderlcsw.com.  My practice is located in Livingston, New Jersey.