Isolation

Isolation and Infidelity

In my practice, I don’t only see people whose partner has strayed from the relationship. I also see the person who has found a connection with someone who isn’t their primary partner.

The person who is on the receiving end of infidelity in a relationship can find himself or herself struggling. I also have compassion for the person who has betrayed their partner. It can be hard to be you, too. It is hard to be the person that society has dubbed “the cheater”. So many people even utter the word with disdain.

But “cheater” isn’t always someone skulking around in the dark of night, tiptoeing out of the house while everyone else is sleeping. Many people reflexively envisage this person to be male. That is not always the case. While percentages of women participating in infidelity has grown over the years, women often feel a double standard – that men are expected to stray but people assume that women who engage in the same behavior are considered “less than” or branded with ugly and derogatory names.

The one who has relationships or flings with someone other than their primary partner is indistinguishable from you or me. They are usually respectable, law-abiding citizens. The neighborhood gentleman who shovels the walkway of his elderly neighbor or the warm and caring woman who works in your child’s daycare center. It’s the guy who fixes your car, the mom who volunteers at a food bank. It could even be your best friend or sibling. Or your girlfriend. Or the husband with whom you celebrated your 25th wedding anniversary on a spectacular cruise in the Caribbean.

The life of someone who is seeing someone else is one of secrets, half-truths, omissions. Most of us have a differing comfort level with how we function in these various states.

You didn’t set out to let it get so far out of control, but you almost feel too far in to start cleaning up the damage. You might feel terrible about it. You might feel nothing about it. You might feel numb. If you were able to talk about it, you might discover your feelings. And that may scare you.

I recognize that you may not have told anyone. That not one soul knows about the person who replies to your texts after she puts her kids to bed. Or the guy you meet up with when your boyfriend thinks you are staying late at the office.

You are out there. And despite what society or your friends or your faith might think, you deserve as much compassion and humanity as anyone else.  I also understand how alone and isolated you feel at times.

If you would like to explore the possibility of working with me, please contact me at cmgsnyder@gmail.com or 201-248-5552. My office is located in Livingston, NJ.

Why I Don’t See Couples

Whenever people discover that I specialize in working with infidelity, I think it makes sense that I’d see couples and help them repair their relationships.

For a number of years, I did work with couples, many of whom were dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity revelation. Over time, I began to realize that not everyone – on either end of the infidelity situation – may want to engage in couples counseling. I have found that there is great benefit of working with individuals because it allows us to truly drill down into their personal histories and gain insight on their own behavior.

Before I go on, I will emphasize that I do believe in couples therapy and it can be a very helpful tool. There are many layers to the issues that clients deal with and, therefore, many ways to address these things. Couples therapy can be an opportunity for a spouse or partner to share a space where they can tune in to each other and listen and hopefully, be heard. If you have arrived at my website wishing to access couples therapy, please send me a message (christine@snyderlcsw.com) and I could make a referral to someone who can better serve you.

So as I mentioned, there are some scenarios where clients might find individual therapy beneficial, depending on whether they have been unfaithful or whether they have been betrayed.

The person who has been unfaithful
In terms of the person who has been unfaithful in the relationship, there can be some factors at play that make couples therapy somewhat counterproductive. There is so much gray area in infidelity situations that these are only a small portion of situations where clients find themselves struggling.
* A person who is unfaithful may be involved with someone that has caused them to feel uncertain about continuing their primary relationship. They may find that this person provides them something their partner may be lacking and they are not sure they want to terminate this relationship.
* Perhaps they had wanted to terminate their primary relationship and entering into an affair with someone allowed them to transition out of the relationship. For some clients, it is easier (nothing is ever easy in infidelity, though) to tell a partner that they are cheating rather than tell them they no longer love them.
* They might also be in the process of breaking up with their affair partner and are struggling with the loss of that person from their life. In some occasions, people have long relationships with affair partners and it can be difficult to cope with the void that a breakup would cause. Sometimes people who are dealing with this loss do not find couples therapy helpful because they know their spouse does not want to know or hear how much they miss their girlfriend.
* This person may also feel exhausted by keeping secrets and I am the only person in the world with whom they’ve shared their secret.

I’d also say that it’s hard for some people to accept that someone involved in a transgression should be shown any compassion. On this, I have to strongly state that I do not feel that way. My job is not to shame or to pass judgment. I recognize that in some areas of your life, you may be struggling. Just because you are having an affair does not necessarily mean you are having the time of your life. Or maybe you are and you don’t feel guilty about it. It isn’t my position to correct your behavior. What you decide to do is up to you and I am here to support you and help you understand yourself better so that you can decide what direction to take.

The person who has been betrayed
It is not universally the case that the person whose spouse has gone outside the relationship wants to work on the relationship. It seems that there’s a societal expectation that if your spouse has cheated, you call a couples therapist and you both get to work on mending the hurt. But sometimes it isn’t that clear-cut. Here are some occasions where people who have been betrayed may find value in individual counseling:
* The person may be so hurt and distraught that they can barely communicate with the partner who hurt them, let alone be in the same small room together with a therapist. There is a possibility that they may come together for counseling at some point, but some people feel the need to process a hurt like this on their own with a therapist.
* The person who has been betrayed may have wanted to terminate this relationship and they would like to speak with a therapist to process whether to work on the relationship or end it. They also may come in with some existing insights such as their understanding of why they stayed in an unsatisfying relationship and they’d like to work on changing that characteristic.
* They might also have had a history of anxiety or depression and they have had difficulty managing the symptoms alone. A crisis such as a revelation that their partner has gone outside the relationship may need to be handled first before processing the direction of their relationship.
* As a result of discovering their spouse has been having an affair, they realize they have been cheated on in prior relationships and have a desire to understand why this has happened to them. Sometimes people recall in the course of therapy that one of their parents may have had a history of infidelity which affected them in their own relationships.

If you find yourself in any of these situations and would like to explore the possibility of working with me, please reach out to me at christine@snyderlcsw.com. My office is located in Livingston, NJ.